It’s been awhile since I have posted here. Eleven years since I started this blog. In the last eleven years I have lost some of my optimism and more than a few of my friends. I plan to retire early in less than two years due to health issues. Many things I thought were stable in my life have changed- my job becoming more intensive and complex, my social circle becoming smaller, my kids becoming adults. My life is in a a different stage now and I am trying to reinvent where I fit in the world.
I knew I would get older of course. But I thought that would mean more wisdom and eventually more freedom as I retired and had more time to write, travel, and see friends and family. It hasn’t exactly worked out that way. Some of the friends and family I wanted to spend time with are gone now. Traveling and hobbies will be contingent on less money and health issues I didn’t expect. Wisdom is debatable and in short supply. So again- back to reinventing myself and my place in the world.
What I want is more immediate and simpler- time with the people I have left. My immediate and extended family, a handful of friends. I’d like to expand my circle, but I’m much more specific now about what I want in any future friendships. When I was younger I thought what I brought to the table was my ability to give, to help, to be a support. That resulted in too many unequal relationships and people taking advantage without having any real emotional investment in me. I’m done with that. I want equal relationships with people who see me for myself first and not just what I can provide. People who have some emotional maturity, communication skills, and the ability to give as well as receive support and affection. I’d like people who step up to claim me in public as well as in private. People who value my presence in their lives and make an effort to be a regular part of it. I’m not into casual shallow interactions- fast food friendships. I want depth. I’m older now, and more aware that we never know how much time we have. I want whatever time I have to count. I won’t waste time on people who don’t value connection or who just want to use my skills and resources without really valuing me.
I’d like to write more, get out more to see places and things that interest me. I’d like to spend time on my hobbies and possibly develop new ones. I’d like to get stronger, exercise and walk more. Spend more time with my kids and my pets. I’d like to attend a few conventions and meet a few people I’ve looked up to over the years before it’s too late.
Eleven years ago I thought I had time. I had hope that I would be able to do more, be more. That there were still people to meet and meaningful things to do. Now I just have today and the people who are in my life right now. If more people show up, great. But I’ll be more careful about who those people are and what pieces of myself I extend to them. My hope and my trust are in very short supply. I’ll look for the experiences I want and start making them happen one at a time. I’m a very different person today than I was eleven years ago. More tired, more jaded. But hopefully more discerning and more focused on what’s right in front of me.
I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m trying to be more certain of what I hold, and to be true to the deepest parts of who I am. I don’t have the time or patience for bullsh&t. The rest of this life for me is about being real.
