Connections

I haven't written much the last few weeks, and that has been partially due to some medical issues I've had. Specifically, I had some symptoms I thought might have been a heart attack.  It happened, of all places, in a car dealership while I was talking to a salesperson.  Ironic. I never imagined that my final moments might be looking at a room full of strangers and shiny new cars.  Everything was fine until suddenly both of my arms felt heavy and "tingly", and I felt vaguely sick;  like I was going to pass out.  My chest felt like someone had suddenly tightened up an already tight corset, but one that was on the inside of my skin, not the outside. I remember feeling mortified and confused. I had just taken a CPR class recently, and went through all the symptoms in my head of both heart attack and stroke, ticking off which ones I had and which ones didn't fit.  Usually it's only one arm, I thought, and the chest is supposed to feel like someone is sitting on it... or if it's a stroke, I should be confused and unable to talk...I debated in my head about whether or not the salesperson would be freaked out if I asked if they had a defibrillator on site.  I decided that he probably would be, and navigated myself to the nearest chair to sit down.  I don't know if he noticed that I was struggling. I spent about ten minutes toughing it out until I felt I could walk to my car, and then made an excuse and left.  Later I thought, what in the world was I thinking?  Why didn't I just say something?  I was just too embarrassed, too unsure of what was actually happening. I didn't want to make them feel uncomfortable and I certainly didn't want to be carted away in an ambulance when I had three children waiting at home.  I remember bargaining with God, saying it's not that I don't want to eventually join my family and friends in the afterlife, some of whom I miss terribly; but my kids still need me. I need to stay here.  On a more shallow note, I remember being angry that I would never get to buy my new car or get another dog, now that my elderly german shepherd was gone.  Funny what goes through your mind when you think your time is up.

Several days later I went to see my family doctor, after a call to the nurse line.  I went through an EKG, a chest X-ray, and two weeks later, a cardiac stress test. I am still waiting for the results of the stress test, but suspect that if there had been something terribly wrong I would have been notified already.   During all of this activity, I had to explain to my boss, a few select coworkers, friends and family, what had happened.  You learn a lot about connections when you tell people you think you had a heart attack.  My coworkers gave me a stern talking to about the fact that I hadn't sought medical attention immediately.  My husband was frightened.  Friends of mine who had had  heart issues in the past talked with me about their experiences.  My sister, an RN, called me regularly for the next several days to get updates on my condition.

The whole experience had an effect on me as well.  I felt that my body had betrayed me, that I couldn't trust it to do it's job.  I found myself wondering when I went into public places if anyone there knew CPR, and avoiding being alone in case the symptoms reoccurred.  I made a list of things I wanted to get done quickly, in case I didn't have much time left.  Again, funny what goes through your head when you think your time might be up.  I had a baby afghan for a friend that wasn't finished, a house to clean, some friends to tell again how much they meant to me.  I remember thinking the night it happened, after I got home, that if I was going to die I may as well have the dishes done first.  Priorities!

Three weeks later,  I've done a few of the things on my list. The baby afghan is almost done, the house is clean, I bought my shiny new red car.  I filled out an adoption application to get a german shepherd puppy in a couple of weeks, and I've had that conversation with some of my closest friends- the one about how much they mean, how much I've learned from them, how much I love them. I still have a few of those conversations to go, and I've started making a new list.  This list is a little different- it's a list of what I want to do if I continue to live, not a list of what to do before I die.  It's my way to stake my claim on this unpredictable, sometimes painful, but generally entertaining existence for a little while longer.  It's my flag, staked in the middle of my imperfect but still functioning heart.  I don't have any guarantees about how long my life will be, or what events will happen that are outside of my control.  What is within my control is whether or not I live the life I have, regardless of how long it is; and whether or not I share that life in a meaningful way with the people that matter to me. Life is a choice, connecting with others is a choice.  I would rather choose life, love, and connection than live in fear each day of what might happen around the next corner.