Flowers and Small Town Homophobia

There is a wonderful flower artist in town, who decorates the landscapes of the Cities with his  handmade flowers.  He takes pictures in familiar places- the Sculpture Garden, Fort Snelling, Lake Calhoun; and turns these familiar places into magical bursts of color and life.  His name is David Cook, and I love his work.  The fact that he is a man in recovery  and someone who has struggled with depression makes these gorgeous works of art even more meaningful to me.

Friday David was in Hastings putting out his flowers, when two middle aged men in a large truck screamed a gay slur at him, and displayed their middle fingers before speeding off like the cowards they were.  I found this very upsetting, and put the following post on my facebook page: David- you are a very talented artist, and every time I see your work it makes me happy. As for the two middle aged men yelling slurs at David in Hastings-your behavior really shows who you are. My mother once said that only people who really don't like themselves very much harass others, and I think that's probably the truth. Your behavior tells me that you are insecure, immature, and have no solid sense of who you are as men. If you think you are somehow making yourself more attractive to women with that kind of behavior, think again. No emotionally healthy woman would want to be around someone who is behaving like that. Ignorance and abusiveness are not attractive qualities. Your small-minds... and empty hearts will come back to bite you.

It's hard for me to comprehend why two grown men would want to harass someone they don't know.  It makes me wonder what their relationships are with the women in their lives, their coworkers, their friends. I wonder what their children would think if they saw their fathers behaving like this towards a man who was doing nothing more than making their town a little more beautiful.  I wonder why they feel so threatened and so insecure as men that they felt the need to attack someone they felt wasn't "manly" enough.  Truth be told, I think David is the real man here, and that those two middle aged men don't have a clue about what "being a man" really means.  I wonder where they learned their hatred, and if they are passing it on to their children.  I wonder if they go to church on sunday and talk about God; then behave like this in the community, like there is no discrepancy or hypocrisy about that. 

I think those two men have a lot to learn about what it means to be a human being, as well as what it means to be a man.  The men I spend time with in my life are intelligent and compassionate people.  They spend time and energy trying to make the world a better place; they treat others with respect and kindness. They stand up for those who are tormented by men like the two men in Hastings who heckled David.  The men I spend time with don't make judgements on people based on their sexual orientation, their race, their gender, their income status.  They are centered in who they are, and don't feel threatened by people who are not exactly the same as they are.  These are the qualities I associate with "real" men; not the insecurity and hatred that David was shown.   If those two men in Hastings only knew that what they showed to the world was not strength, but weakness.  The weakness of their narrow minds and their stunted hearts- their dysfunctional ideas about what makes a person a man or a woman.  The weakness of their insecurity and fear when confronted with a gentle man putting out flowers.  If they only knew how ugly their actions appear against the backdrop of those vivid blooms, and how ironic that seems to me.  But that would require insight, and I think those two are in short supply of that.  Meanwhile David continues on, lighting up the landscape with his beautiful creations, and leaving the world a more fabulous place than he found it. 

Marriage Equality!

May 14, 2013- the day marriage equality for same sex couples was signed into law. I was  there, in a crowd of thousands.  Watching Mark Dayton formally sign the bill on the capitol lawn, surrounded by men, women, and children whose families would finally be formally recognized by the law.  I never thought I would see this in my lifetime.  For me it was like being present when women were given the vote, or when all slaves were freed- a moment where everything changed.  A moment where humanity was recognized and old biases and fears were set aside.  Historic, moving, and about damn time. 

It's interesting what equality brings out in individual people.  Many in the crowd were in tears, or openly jubilant. I felt surrounded by the energy, hope, and love of literally thousands of people.  For me it was incredible, a leap into a better future- a future where my GLBT friends, relatives, and coworkers could live their lives more openly and with more legal protections for their families.  

The next day I followed stories about the bill signing on Facebook.  I saw many positive postings, but was very disappointed to see postings that were quite negative. Ironically, some of those postings came from people that I knew personally, and who I knew had gay friends.  Some referenced the Bible, or "traditional" marriage; and I was reminded of the civil rights era,  when some people would talk about their wonderful black friends, but wouldn't want their sons or daughters to date those same friends.  To some people, equal is only partially equal, and everyone was still supposed to "know their place".   The hypocrisy was glaring to me, but I'm sure most of those people thought they were being sincere, which made it even more sad to me. 

I know what my place is.  It's here, in support of my family, friends, and coworkers.  I want them to have all of the rights that I have in society, and to be free from discrimination and harassment.  For me it's very simple. These are people I care about, and I want them to have good lives.  I want them to be able to care for and protect their families, I want them to be able to openly celebrate their relationships.  "Their place" should be the same as mine- a respectful, loving place in the larger society.  An equal place, not a partial token equality that is doled out by the self righteous when it's convenient and then withdrawn when those same folks become uncomfortable. 

I am still in awe that I was there on the Capitol lawn when the world shifted; becoming larger and more inclusive.  I was there to see the joy and tears of people who were finally seeing their relationships- their lives- recognized, after years of living on the sidelines and in the shadows.  What a victory for love, and for us all.  May it move us further into the light, and away from the darkness of separation and bigotry.  May it move us all towards freedom; the freedom to be who we were born to be, and to be loved and accepted in all our uniqueness. 

The Circle of Life

Last weekend I got to meet Tia, the beautiful baby in my arms in the pictures above.  Her mom Katie is my honorary niece, and I have known her for over twenty years.  I remember her being a feisty, articulate little girl, and now she is a grown woman with a child of her own.  Funny how the wheel keeps turning, the children keep growing, and suddenly there is a new generation of babies to hold.  Amazing.

It has been a long time since I last held a tiny baby.  My  youngest child is thirteen and came home to me at the age of eleven months, as a solid twenty pound baby.  My oldest is twenty now, and weighed in at five pounds, three ounces.  I remember being afraid to hold her and bathe her; afraid that she would break somehow while I learned how to be a mother.  I learned, and she didn't break.  She has gone on to attend college and learn all kinds of new things.   Holding Tia reminded me of when my kids were young, and frankly, when I was young. It took me a few minutes to remember how to hold her, but Tia is a good teacher, and I caught on quickly.  I spent much of the visit holding and feeding her, enthralled by the "tiny baby aura" that she gave off.  When she was sleeping, she looked just like one of the porcelain dolls on tv that sell for a mere four payments of 19.99.  So perfect, so innocent.

It never occurred to me when I was younger that I would one day be an "older relative", watching the children I had known transform into adults with babies of their own.  I never pictured myself past twenty five, yet here I am, forty seven years old and watching the new generation be born.  I"m grateful to have made it this far, thanks in large part to the amazing supports I had in my life as a young woman. Katie's mother was one of those supports.  She helped me find safe passage through many difficult times in my life, and taught me more than all my therapists combined.  I hope that I will be able to pass on a fraction of what she taught me to the younger women who surround me now, and I look forward to more years of holding beautiful newborns like Tia.  Tia is a vivid reminder that life continues to spring forward, forever new and precious as the wheel continues to turn.