MSSA and Louie Anderson

I attended the 2013 MSSA (Minnesota Social Service Association) Conference this week, and had the good fortune to meet Louie Anderson, the keynote speaker (and one of my favorite comedians!)  Louie was an incredibly funny speaker, and also quite knowledgable about the field of human services.  He spoke about his experiences being the tenth child of eleven- wow! as well as his experiences being a counselor at St. Joe's Shelter.  He also spoke about being the sibling of someone with severe mental illness, which was very moving.  I was able to meet Louie in person briefly to get a book signed after the presentation, and he was incredibly gracious and kind.  Even after a long flight and almost no sleep, Louie took the time to sign books and take pictures with many of us.  He has a very genuine warmth and humanity.  He's someone I could sit and talk with for hours. Thanks Louie, for taking the time to inspire a few thousand social workers. You're our rock star.

Meeting Michael Bodine

I had the opportunity to meet a local author and psychic recently at the Psychic Symposium in Minneapolis.  Michael Bodine is refreshingly honest and genuine, and spoke about his journey through addiction, as well as discussing his current profession.  Like me, he came from a family that struggled with addiction issues through the generations.  He spoke about relatives using chemicals to block their psychic gifts and the deep empathy they felt for other people, because those feelings were simply too painful. I can certainly understand that. I have relatives who have confided to me that they use chemicals for the same reason.  Although I have not abused alcohol and drugs, I have also at times tried to push away some of the feelings that come from being deeply intuitive and empathic with other people. Feeling the feelings of other people can be very overwhelming at times.  Looking back I can see many times that I have isolated myself to a certain degree to recover from the unrestrained rush of other people's feelings and issues around me. It took time to able to set some internal and external boundaries, so that I could be supportive and caring while not becoming completely overtaken by other people's "stuff".  I really related to much of what Michael had to say, and I admire his talent. I also admire his tenacity of spirit.  Being a "sensitive" is what my grandmother Florine used to call a "hard gift"- having extra information and "feeling" what is going on with someone can be very helpful, but can also be very exhausting.  Learning balance and self care skills is vital to being able to stay healthy in the midst of all the extra stimulation that this gift entails.  Thank you Michael, for sharing your story; and thank you for your irrepressible, irreverent spirit.  You are a delight to experience.

Zena the Warrior Princess

This week my eleven year old German Shepherd Zena died.  She was a beautiful dog, strong and graceful- running across the yard she was poetry in motion.  She was an Alpha female, and took her job of protecting the family very seriously.  Every day she patrolled the boundaries of our fence, and every evening she lay in front of the door, blocking the entrance to anyone who was not invited.

She was at times an imperious girl, barking sharply at our smaller dog Bear or one of the cats when she felt they needed correction, and we were not moving fast enough to suit her. She liked an orderly household, and wasn't shy about making her opinion known if she felt someone was not towing the line.

Zena loved our kids, and I think she considered them her puppies. She was gentle and affectionate with them, and watched them like a hawk.  If someone tried to snatch their food off their plate, she was immediately there, barking orders.  Every night she lay in front of my daughter's bedroom, guarding the door against intruders.  She was alert to any sound, any motion that occurred, and was always watching where the kids were, what they were doing, looking for any possible threats or misbehavior.  She gave our household a sense of safety and security, a deep love that surrounded all of us.

Recently she hadn't seemed herself, so we took her in to our family vet. Sadly, he found a large tumor on her spleen, and we were told her time was short.  We arranged for comfort care for her and took her home, thinking we had a few days to be with her, maybe even a few weeks.  We wanted our older daughter to be able to visit her from college and say goodbye, for our kids to have a few last moments with her.  But in the small hours of that night, Zena died.  We did our best to make her comfortable after our younger daughter alerted us to the change in her condition, to tell her  how much we loved her.  The last thing she had done before she died was to drag herself to my daughter's door, to guard her.  Even when she was feeling so sick, that was her priority. Protect the puppies at all costs.   While she was in her last moments, she kept looking in front of her, and would suddenly break into happy panting.  She looked as though she was interacting with someone we couldn't see, someone she recognized and was very happy to see.   Shortly after that, she died.  I choose to think that she had an escort who came to get her,  to bring her to the next world without fear or pain. She certainly deserved that.  She was one of the most pure spirits I have ever known.

Rest in peace, Zena.  You did your job well, and you were much loved. I hope you are surrounded by family in the afterlife, by tennis balls and chew toys, and rabbits that you can chase without harming.  I hope you come to visit us, perhaps sleeping on our beds or guarding the doors you slept in front of for so many years.  You will always be welcome to surround us with your love and presence.

I Want to Fly

Toni Morrison said that "If you wanna fly, you got to give up the shit that weighs you down."  One of my New Year's resolutions was to let go of the things in my life that were negative, no longer served a purpose, or kept me from freely being myself.  Sometimes it's hard to see those things when they have been in your life for so long. Even though they may cause pain or discomfort, they are familiar. And most people want to keep what is familiar around them, even if it hurts.

One of the things I am working on letting go of is weight. I've struggled over the last few years to try and lose weight, without much success.  I would lose five or ten pounds, find myself trying to cope with multiple stresses and disappointments, and promptly put that weight right back on.  I found that with the extra weight, I was more "invisible"; and faded into the background.  Sometimes the background was a much more comfortable place to be than being front and center.  A few years back I had lost forty pounds, and was surprised to find that many women, instead of being supportive or happy for me, were actually very unkind.  One suggested I had lost the weight to entice a man, rather than because I wanted to live a healthier lifestyle. Others appeared jealous that I had accomplished what they had not, and made catty comments.  Eventually the weight slowly came back on, and I almost gratefully sank back into oblivion.  Now it's time to let go of it.  I've gotten back on my treadmill and have worked out 5-6 days a week since mid January.  It's very freeing to feel my endurance build, and to see those pounds start to ever so slowly slip away.

Another thing I've had to let go of has been relationships with people who can't accept me for who I am.  This has been a harder challenge, and often quite painful.  One person stopped talking to me because they disagreed with my politics.  The loss was very unexpected, and the relationship was an important one. I tried initially to mend fences, but the end result was that the person in question simply couldn't accept me as a person who had different opinions than he did, and I had to let go of trying to rekindle that relationship.  There are other relationships in my life in which I have tried unsuccessfully to have a more meaningful and deeper relationship with people, only to find that they could only accept small pieces of me, and wanted nothing to do with the rest of me.  People who expected me to be enthused about their beliefs and hobbies, but had no interest in mine.  I see most of those people less often now, and have let go of the expectation that they are going to be more intimately involved in my life.  I no longer waste my time sending them notices about the books I've published or the other accomplishments I find meaningful in my life, because their consistent silence and passive rejection is simply too painful.   There are also those folks who were happy to have me caretake them or assist them in crisis, but who were unable to offer anything in return.  The ones who ask for a ride, ten bucks, or an hour of "free therapy", and then disappear until the next time they need something.  I came to see that they really had no real appreciation for me as a person; only what I could provide for them.  That is not to say that I don't want to support my friends and family in times of  need; because it is very important to me to do that. But when the effort is all one sided, it simply takes too much from me and gives nothing back.

Maybe the most important thing I am trying to let go of are some unrealistic expectations and judgements that I have about myself. It is so easy to become discouraged when the people I reach out to don't reciprocate or even acknowledge my existence; or when I have extended myself to someone and they disappoint or reject me.  It is easy to think that I am somehow unworthy, have not tried hard enough, am simply "not enough" myself as a person to warrant their attention.  It is easy to make the assumption that success is not possible, and that most of my life will in some deeper sense be spent alone.  I have to try and be more objective, taking responsibility for any actions of mine that may have led to a lack of intimacy, but also realizing that people have "their own shit", and some of it has nothing to do with me.  I have to make an effort to seek out people who like me as I am, instead of people who want me to be more like them.

It's a difficult thing, this letting go. But it's also a relief.  If I'm not carrying around all the  baggage from damaged relationships, all my own unrealistic expectations, and the shame of not achieving them, it leaves me with a lot more energy and space to fly.

Meeting Alan Page

I met Alan Page this week at a Black History Month event.  He was an impressive speaker, and an even more impressive human being. He talked about his life and career, his belief that all people deserve to have equal rights irrespective of their race, gender, sexual orientation, ability or disability.  He spoke thoughtfully and with quiet passion. I was moved by his authenticity, and his kindness. He spoke about the educational foundation he and his wife created twenty five years ago, that has benefited many students and opened doors to children and young adults who might otherwise have been overlooked, or underserved.

My first memories of Alan Page include watching the Minnesota Vikings games with my parents.  He was an incredible athlete.  These days he is (as of 1993) a Minnesota Supreme Court Justice, utilizing his considerable intellect to serve the state in yet another way.  He is the first African American to be elected to the Minnesota Supreme Court; a trailblazer and a role model for Minnesota's young people.  He has used his many talents to enrich all of us through entertainment, service, and philanthropy.  I was truly honored to see him speak, and to hear some of the personal details of his life.  He is an inspiration to me not only because of his many accomplishments, but because of his genuine compassion for other human beings.  The depth of his athletic ability and intellectual capacity are clearly matched by the profound depth of his heart for humanity.

After his presentation he was gracious enough to sign autographs and pose for pictures with people from the audience, and I was thrilled to be able to be part of that.   Thank you, Your Honor, for sharing your time and experiences with the rest of us. It was truly appreciated.

Valentine's Day Marriage Equality Rally

I spent Valentine's Day at the Marriage Equality Rally at the Capitol. It seemed fitting to spend a day dedicated to couples rallying for the rights of ALL couples, including those of the same sex.  I was encouraged to see the large contingent of religious leaders supporting marriage equality, (pictured above) and the many members of faith communities with their respective banners.

It was really empowering to be with what was estimated to be two thousand other people, all standing up and making their voices heard about this issue.  It's a very personal issue to me, because I have many GLBT family members, coworkers, friends, and relatives.  I don't consider their need to be loved, to be part of family, any different than mine. The stigma that has long been attached to being gay, and the discrimination I have seen them face over the years saddens me.  These are people I love, very creative, dynamic, unique individuals who just happened to be born with a sexual preference that was a little different from mine.  The people I have known over the years who happened to be GLBT have enriched my life with their friendship, their guidance, their creativity, and their love.  The fact that they can't legally marry their long term partners has always seemed completely wrong to me.  Society has often labeled them- people I love dearly -as somehow wrong, defective, abnormal.  Nothing could be further from the truth in my world.  My GLBT friends have the same needs, hopes, and dreams that I do. They want to be acknowledged as people and as couples; to love and be loved, to contribute to society.  They want to have families, and be an accepted part of a larger society.  They want to develop their talents, and live their lives in freedom and safety. I hope that this legislative session brings my dear friends one step closer to living that reality, and I want to be a part of fighting for it every step of the way.

Happy Birthday Grandma Florine

Tomorrow, February 18th,  would have been my Grandmother Florine's 94th birthday.  She was an amazing woman who had a kind word for everyone she met.  Pictured above are four of her paintings. She was a talented artist, and created beautiful paintings for family members and friends throughout the years.  She took personal requests, and made each painting as individual as the person who requested it.

My grandmother was the kind of person who could talk to anyone.  She had an insight and empathy that saw right through to a person's soul.  She gave people the gift of her completely focused attention, her warmth, and her considerable intellect.  Although her formal education didn't go past eighth grade,  she was probably the most intelligent person I have ever known.  A voracious reader, she could converse on almost any topic, and was interested in everything.

Grandma was the person who everyone in the family went to with their problems and questions.  She loved each of us absolutely unconditionally, and knew us better than we sometimes knew ourselves.  If you asked Grandma for feedback, you always got it. Honest, direct, and loving.  She knew all of our preferences down to the tiniest detail, and when we came to visit, she would buy all our favorite foods. We used to joke that if any of us looked at an item too long in the grocery store, she would insist on buying it for us.

Grandma taught all of her grandchildren to be creative.  She was a talented writer, writing poetry and later her own autobiography for her family.  She loved flowers, and made floral centerpieces for her church, graduations, or other family events. I remember making a treasure chest with her out of styrofoam and beads one year.  Almost anything could be transformed into something magical under her guidance.  As I mentioned earlier, she painted, and many of us have her paintings proudly hanging on our walls.

My grandmother was probably the single most important influence in my life.  She taught me how to listen deeply to people, which I carry with me every day in my personal and professional life.  She taught me to be creative; I write poetry, essays, letters to the editor. Maybe one day I will write my own autobiography, as she did.  She taught me to be direct and honest, but to always try and frame my honesty in kindness.  She taught me to never stop learning.  Like her, I read voraciously. I have multiple hobbies, and am always interested in learning something new.  Probably the most important thing she taught me was how to love- whole heartedly and unconditionally. She accepted each person where they were at in their lives, and never judged them.  She was always encouraging, generous, and kind.  It wasn't that she didn't see our faults and our life challenges- she did.  But she saw each of us as a whole person that was absolutely precious to her, faults and all.  She loved us unreservedly and always wanted the best for us.

Happy Birthday, Grandma.  This is the first year that I can't send you flowers, and I miss you terribly.  I hope you are surrounded by love, light, and a huge bouquet of your favorite pink flowers in the afterlife.   I love you.