I Want to Fly

Toni Morrison said that "If you wanna fly, you got to give up the shit that weighs you down."  One of my New Year's resolutions was to let go of the things in my life that were negative, no longer served a purpose, or kept me from freely being myself.  Sometimes it's hard to see those things when they have been in your life for so long. Even though they may cause pain or discomfort, they are familiar. And most people want to keep what is familiar around them, even if it hurts.

One of the things I am working on letting go of is weight. I've struggled over the last few years to try and lose weight, without much success.  I would lose five or ten pounds, find myself trying to cope with multiple stresses and disappointments, and promptly put that weight right back on.  I found that with the extra weight, I was more "invisible"; and faded into the background.  Sometimes the background was a much more comfortable place to be than being front and center.  A few years back I had lost forty pounds, and was surprised to find that many women, instead of being supportive or happy for me, were actually very unkind.  One suggested I had lost the weight to entice a man, rather than because I wanted to live a healthier lifestyle. Others appeared jealous that I had accomplished what they had not, and made catty comments.  Eventually the weight slowly came back on, and I almost gratefully sank back into oblivion.  Now it's time to let go of it.  I've gotten back on my treadmill and have worked out 5-6 days a week since mid January.  It's very freeing to feel my endurance build, and to see those pounds start to ever so slowly slip away.

Another thing I've had to let go of has been relationships with people who can't accept me for who I am.  This has been a harder challenge, and often quite painful.  One person stopped talking to me because they disagreed with my politics.  The loss was very unexpected, and the relationship was an important one. I tried initially to mend fences, but the end result was that the person in question simply couldn't accept me as a person who had different opinions than he did, and I had to let go of trying to rekindle that relationship.  There are other relationships in my life in which I have tried unsuccessfully to have a more meaningful and deeper relationship with people, only to find that they could only accept small pieces of me, and wanted nothing to do with the rest of me.  People who expected me to be enthused about their beliefs and hobbies, but had no interest in mine.  I see most of those people less often now, and have let go of the expectation that they are going to be more intimately involved in my life.  I no longer waste my time sending them notices about the books I've published or the other accomplishments I find meaningful in my life, because their consistent silence and passive rejection is simply too painful.   There are also those folks who were happy to have me caretake them or assist them in crisis, but who were unable to offer anything in return.  The ones who ask for a ride, ten bucks, or an hour of "free therapy", and then disappear until the next time they need something.  I came to see that they really had no real appreciation for me as a person; only what I could provide for them.  That is not to say that I don't want to support my friends and family in times of  need; because it is very important to me to do that. But when the effort is all one sided, it simply takes too much from me and gives nothing back.

Maybe the most important thing I am trying to let go of are some unrealistic expectations and judgements that I have about myself. It is so easy to become discouraged when the people I reach out to don't reciprocate or even acknowledge my existence; or when I have extended myself to someone and they disappoint or reject me.  It is easy to think that I am somehow unworthy, have not tried hard enough, am simply "not enough" myself as a person to warrant their attention.  It is easy to make the assumption that success is not possible, and that most of my life will in some deeper sense be spent alone.  I have to try and be more objective, taking responsibility for any actions of mine that may have led to a lack of intimacy, but also realizing that people have "their own shit", and some of it has nothing to do with me.  I have to make an effort to seek out people who like me as I am, instead of people who want me to be more like them.

It's a difficult thing, this letting go. But it's also a relief.  If I'm not carrying around all the  baggage from damaged relationships, all my own unrealistic expectations, and the shame of not achieving them, it leaves me with a lot more energy and space to fly.