February 10, 2013

I wrote this piece shortly before the 2012 Presidential Election, and posted it on Facebook. 

From Much Love to No Love

This past election year has brought me some new insights and some deep disappointments. I have always leaned left, and many people on this page who remember me from high school or college can attest to that. If nothing else, I am consistent. I speak up for the groups that I feel are not treated with respect and dignity in a society that too often values only wealth and social status.  I have marched in many a demonstration and have written countless letters to the editor, as well as publishing my writing (and in several cases over the last year or two, having my writing actually published by someone else- YEAH....)  on social justice issues,  mental health issues, grief, domestic violence.... all topics that while not “light and fluffy” are things that are very real in our society. 

I have a number of republican relatives and friends.  Most come from the old school republicans, not the current more extreme mutation. The real fiscal conservatives who actually also cared about what specific behaviors their candidates engaged in.  Those relatives and friends and I made arrangements in our relationships to either not discuss politics at all, or to agree to disagree.  Some affectionately considered me misguided and overly optimistic, but they respected my passion, and the fact that my actions matched my professed beliefs.  They admired my interest in women’s and children’s issues, even if they did not agree with my interpretation of how societal problems in those areas could be solved.  They had respect for me as a person, as a mother, as a human being out in the workforce doing difficult and often thankless work.   I’m thankful to those friends and relatives for above all valuing me as a person, and valuing our connection as family.   The relationships we had between us always came first, above and beyond any disagreements of specific opinions.

Last March I lost my grandmother, Florine.  She was the best human being that ever lived,  and I will miss her every day for the rest of my life.  At her funeral I was able to connect with some extended family from out of state.  I thought how fortunate, there are still those of us who knew her and cherished her, who can keep in touch.  And I did that. I kept in regular contact with some of those folks, sent them pictures of my kids, talked about our common interests and our lives.  Have many emails on my computer ending in “much love, your cousin” so and so.  

Then the election season came along, and since I lean left, I had a number of pro-Obama Facebook wall posts on my page.  I didn’t think too much of this. I had seen wall posts for the opposition on other relative’s pages.  Everyone has a right to post what they like on their own Facebook page, as long as it meets the Facebook guidelines and is not hate speech.  Keep in mind that I post many other things on my wall as well- I try to keep a variety out there. Some funny things, some cute things, some pictures of my kids  or activities, some profound quotes from people like Martin Luther King or John Lennon. And some political posts.   Suddenly I am unfriended from my extended relatives’ page,  and the recipient of several cryptic and caustic emails.   I apologize for their concerns, which are basically that my views are not in lock step with theirs.  I make a point of stating that I believe family connections come before differences of opinion.  One of those relatives has not spoken to me since.

This was a very unexpected result, as I considered this person to be reasonable and intelligent, and while I had done nothing wrong by posting my opinions on my own page, I had apologized for any misunderstandings and tried to make amends. Nothing.  I was fairly devastated by this, especially so soon after losing our mutual relative, my grandmother.  I made numerous attempts to make amends, but never received a reply.  This experience has made it very clear to me that the rhetoric out there this time can be very extreme, and that reason and family connections seem to matter very little to those that get caught up in that rhetoric.  The rigidity of expecting anyone to have the exact same beliefs as oneself all the time- that’s just not realistic.  And it shows a real lack of respect for diversity of thought, an intolerance for anything that doesn’t fall in to the party line.  I find it interesting that even though my own beliefs are very important to me, I was the one willing to extend the olive branch multiple times, to no avail- and that relative did not.  Maybe the left has a little less rigidity in it, an ability to see the whole person, and not discard those who don’t fall into the right political or ideological category.  Maybe the old guard of the right actually remembered the value of family while the new guard is loyal only to those who are Stepford relatives of themselves. I don’t know the whole answer, but I do know it has made me far less likely to seek out extended family right now, or to invest time and energy into those who can’t accept me for myself.  It has also made me far more leery of a political mutation that is so rigid, so unable to include huge groups of people who are not “exactly like them”,  that I hear a silent Sieg Heil every time I see their negative propaganda, or hear their speeches full of half truths (or no truth at all) on TV.   

My cautionary advice to the rest of you is be careful who you invest your time in. If they can’t value you as a whole person,  it may not be a very productive relationship.  And thank you to the many relatives and friends I have who have identified as more conservative than I am, but have welcomed me with open arms and continue to have my back. You are all an invaluable support.