I Want to Fly

Toni Morrison said that "If you wanna fly, you got to give up the shit that weighs you down."  One of my New Year's resolutions was to let go of the things in my life that were negative, no longer served a purpose, or kept me from freely being myself.  Sometimes it's hard to see those things when they have been in your life for so long. Even though they may cause pain or discomfort, they are familiar. And most people want to keep what is familiar around them, even if it hurts.

One of the things I am working on letting go of is weight. I've struggled over the last few years to try and lose weight, without much success.  I would lose five or ten pounds, find myself trying to cope with multiple stresses and disappointments, and promptly put that weight right back on.  I found that with the extra weight, I was more "invisible"; and faded into the background.  Sometimes the background was a much more comfortable place to be than being front and center.  A few years back I had lost forty pounds, and was surprised to find that many women, instead of being supportive or happy for me, were actually very unkind.  One suggested I had lost the weight to entice a man, rather than because I wanted to live a healthier lifestyle. Others appeared jealous that I had accomplished what they had not, and made catty comments.  Eventually the weight slowly came back on, and I almost gratefully sank back into oblivion.  Now it's time to let go of it.  I've gotten back on my treadmill and have worked out 5-6 days a week since mid January.  It's very freeing to feel my endurance build, and to see those pounds start to ever so slowly slip away.

Another thing I've had to let go of has been relationships with people who can't accept me for who I am.  This has been a harder challenge, and often quite painful.  One person stopped talking to me because they disagreed with my politics.  The loss was very unexpected, and the relationship was an important one. I tried initially to mend fences, but the end result was that the person in question simply couldn't accept me as a person who had different opinions than he did, and I had to let go of trying to rekindle that relationship.  There are other relationships in my life in which I have tried unsuccessfully to have a more meaningful and deeper relationship with people, only to find that they could only accept small pieces of me, and wanted nothing to do with the rest of me.  People who expected me to be enthused about their beliefs and hobbies, but had no interest in mine.  I see most of those people less often now, and have let go of the expectation that they are going to be more intimately involved in my life.  I no longer waste my time sending them notices about the books I've published or the other accomplishments I find meaningful in my life, because their consistent silence and passive rejection is simply too painful.   There are also those folks who were happy to have me caretake them or assist them in crisis, but who were unable to offer anything in return.  The ones who ask for a ride, ten bucks, or an hour of "free therapy", and then disappear until the next time they need something.  I came to see that they really had no real appreciation for me as a person; only what I could provide for them.  That is not to say that I don't want to support my friends and family in times of  need; because it is very important to me to do that. But when the effort is all one sided, it simply takes too much from me and gives nothing back.

Maybe the most important thing I am trying to let go of are some unrealistic expectations and judgements that I have about myself. It is so easy to become discouraged when the people I reach out to don't reciprocate or even acknowledge my existence; or when I have extended myself to someone and they disappoint or reject me.  It is easy to think that I am somehow unworthy, have not tried hard enough, am simply "not enough" myself as a person to warrant their attention.  It is easy to make the assumption that success is not possible, and that most of my life will in some deeper sense be spent alone.  I have to try and be more objective, taking responsibility for any actions of mine that may have led to a lack of intimacy, but also realizing that people have "their own shit", and some of it has nothing to do with me.  I have to make an effort to seek out people who like me as I am, instead of people who want me to be more like them.

It's a difficult thing, this letting go. But it's also a relief.  If I'm not carrying around all the  baggage from damaged relationships, all my own unrealistic expectations, and the shame of not achieving them, it leaves me with a lot more energy and space to fly.

Meeting Alan Page

I met Alan Page this week at a Black History Month event.  He was an impressive speaker, and an even more impressive human being. He talked about his life and career, his belief that all people deserve to have equal rights irrespective of their race, gender, sexual orientation, ability or disability.  He spoke thoughtfully and with quiet passion. I was moved by his authenticity, and his kindness. He spoke about the educational foundation he and his wife created twenty five years ago, that has benefited many students and opened doors to children and young adults who might otherwise have been overlooked, or underserved.

My first memories of Alan Page include watching the Minnesota Vikings games with my parents.  He was an incredible athlete.  These days he is (as of 1993) a Minnesota Supreme Court Justice, utilizing his considerable intellect to serve the state in yet another way.  He is the first African American to be elected to the Minnesota Supreme Court; a trailblazer and a role model for Minnesota's young people.  He has used his many talents to enrich all of us through entertainment, service, and philanthropy.  I was truly honored to see him speak, and to hear some of the personal details of his life.  He is an inspiration to me not only because of his many accomplishments, but because of his genuine compassion for other human beings.  The depth of his athletic ability and intellectual capacity are clearly matched by the profound depth of his heart for humanity.

After his presentation he was gracious enough to sign autographs and pose for pictures with people from the audience, and I was thrilled to be able to be part of that.   Thank you, Your Honor, for sharing your time and experiences with the rest of us. It was truly appreciated.

Valentine's Day Marriage Equality Rally

I spent Valentine's Day at the Marriage Equality Rally at the Capitol. It seemed fitting to spend a day dedicated to couples rallying for the rights of ALL couples, including those of the same sex.  I was encouraged to see the large contingent of religious leaders supporting marriage equality, (pictured above) and the many members of faith communities with their respective banners.

It was really empowering to be with what was estimated to be two thousand other people, all standing up and making their voices heard about this issue.  It's a very personal issue to me, because I have many GLBT family members, coworkers, friends, and relatives.  I don't consider their need to be loved, to be part of family, any different than mine. The stigma that has long been attached to being gay, and the discrimination I have seen them face over the years saddens me.  These are people I love, very creative, dynamic, unique individuals who just happened to be born with a sexual preference that was a little different from mine.  The people I have known over the years who happened to be GLBT have enriched my life with their friendship, their guidance, their creativity, and their love.  The fact that they can't legally marry their long term partners has always seemed completely wrong to me.  Society has often labeled them- people I love dearly -as somehow wrong, defective, abnormal.  Nothing could be further from the truth in my world.  My GLBT friends have the same needs, hopes, and dreams that I do. They want to be acknowledged as people and as couples; to love and be loved, to contribute to society.  They want to have families, and be an accepted part of a larger society.  They want to develop their talents, and live their lives in freedom and safety. I hope that this legislative session brings my dear friends one step closer to living that reality, and I want to be a part of fighting for it every step of the way.

Happy Birthday Grandma Florine

Tomorrow, February 18th,  would have been my Grandmother Florine's 94th birthday.  She was an amazing woman who had a kind word for everyone she met.  Pictured above are four of her paintings. She was a talented artist, and created beautiful paintings for family members and friends throughout the years.  She took personal requests, and made each painting as individual as the person who requested it.

My grandmother was the kind of person who could talk to anyone.  She had an insight and empathy that saw right through to a person's soul.  She gave people the gift of her completely focused attention, her warmth, and her considerable intellect.  Although her formal education didn't go past eighth grade,  she was probably the most intelligent person I have ever known.  A voracious reader, she could converse on almost any topic, and was interested in everything.

Grandma was the person who everyone in the family went to with their problems and questions.  She loved each of us absolutely unconditionally, and knew us better than we sometimes knew ourselves.  If you asked Grandma for feedback, you always got it. Honest, direct, and loving.  She knew all of our preferences down to the tiniest detail, and when we came to visit, she would buy all our favorite foods. We used to joke that if any of us looked at an item too long in the grocery store, she would insist on buying it for us.

Grandma taught all of her grandchildren to be creative.  She was a talented writer, writing poetry and later her own autobiography for her family.  She loved flowers, and made floral centerpieces for her church, graduations, or other family events. I remember making a treasure chest with her out of styrofoam and beads one year.  Almost anything could be transformed into something magical under her guidance.  As I mentioned earlier, she painted, and many of us have her paintings proudly hanging on our walls.

My grandmother was probably the single most important influence in my life.  She taught me how to listen deeply to people, which I carry with me every day in my personal and professional life.  She taught me to be creative; I write poetry, essays, letters to the editor. Maybe one day I will write my own autobiography, as she did.  She taught me to be direct and honest, but to always try and frame my honesty in kindness.  She taught me to never stop learning.  Like her, I read voraciously. I have multiple hobbies, and am always interested in learning something new.  Probably the most important thing she taught me was how to love- whole heartedly and unconditionally. She accepted each person where they were at in their lives, and never judged them.  She was always encouraging, generous, and kind.  It wasn't that she didn't see our faults and our life challenges- she did.  But she saw each of us as a whole person that was absolutely precious to her, faults and all.  She loved us unreservedly and always wanted the best for us.

Happy Birthday, Grandma.  This is the first year that I can't send you flowers, and I miss you terribly.  I hope you are surrounded by love, light, and a huge bouquet of your favorite pink flowers in the afterlife.   I love you.

Nipples and Duct Tape

I have your attention now, don’t I? This week North Carolina’s State House Judiciary Committee approved a bill (House bill 34) that would make it a Class H felony to “purposefully expose private parts for the purpose of arousing or gratifying sexual desire”. The bill expanded the state’s definition of private parts to include "a woman’s nipple, or any portion of the areola”.  Republican state representative Tim Moore states in the Valentine’s Day edition of “The Raw Story” that women can protect themselves from prosecution by duct taping their nipples.  “Duct tape fixes everything”, he quips.  Sadly, a woman, Republican state representative Rayne Brown co-sponsored this bill.  She stated that she cosponsored the bill because a topless women’s rights rally had been held last summer, and she wanted to prevent “women from asserting their rights again by going topless at another rally”.  

So many issues here- where to begin? First of all, it appears that what is most offensive to these folks is how the exposure of a woman’s body part affects the men around her, not the actual exposure itself.  If a man sees a woman’s nipple and becomes aroused, that is now something she is held accountable for and could be sent to jail for; not him.  The over aroused man holds no responsibility for his own body, or his own behavior in relation to said arousal.  He is the blameless victim of someone else’s insidious ability to  arouse him, and that person needs immediate and severe punishment for the discomfort that this could cause him.  Poppycock.  I am subject on many a summer day to the sight of men with generous pecs bobbing along on their riding lawn mowers.  As arousing as this excessive pendulous flesh may be, I control my baser urges.I  look my neighbors in the eye, say hello, and go on with my day. I think men should be taught to do the same thing. 

Secondly, this bill makes it a felony for a woman to expose her nipples. A FELONY.  While domestic violence is most frequently prosecuted as a misdemeanor with minimal penalties, exposure of a woman’s God given body parts can now result in six months in jail.  What is it about the sight of the human body that is so much more frightening to some people than violence?  Is the sight of a nipple so much more egregious than the sight of a woman with a black eye and a broken arm?  Where are the priorities in their outrage? 

 The authors of this bill are lucky that they don’t have to take into consideration my definition of what is arousing.  Men would have to curtail many of their every day activities to escape the boundaries of what I might consider attractive.  That touch of grey in their  hair- cover it up.  The way their hands manipulate a trackball. The way their eyes peer over their bifocals when they look at me.  Shameless. I’m almost losing control right now.  And let’s not forget intelligence, sensitivity, kindness, and humor.  The way their eyes unabashedly hold mine; the way they linger over a handshake.  The tone of their voice as they hold a class spellbound with their stories.  Their courage and strength in the face of adversity, and the empathy they show to others when they share their experiences.  Men would have to be totally shrouded to escape my notice, because I see them as whole people, and find much of their attractiveness to be in their largest erogenous zones; their minds and their hearts.  I may have to take a cold shower after writing this, just thinking about those emotional hussies and the damage they could do to our “civilized” society.  The power they hold over my delicate psyche with the arch of an eyebrow or the “come hither” look in their slightly amused eyes.  Someone should write a law against that.  Or better yet, I will get out my big girl pants, take responsibility for my own feelings and behaviors regarding what I find attractive, and say Bring. It. On.  

The Men that Matter (otherwise known as "the harem")

One of my New Year's resolutions was to thank the small circle of men in my life who have the courage and fortitude to deal with me on a regular basis.  Standing toe to toe, mind to mind with me is not for the faint of heart.  I am not an easy woman in any sense of the word. I question, I argue, I agonize.  So without further ado...

To the select group of men in my life who don’t shrink from me in abject terror or try to silence me- thank you.  To sit with you and unleash my thoughts, my fears, my frustrations, without the burden of having to translate myself into someone “more acceptable”  is such a relief.  

That doesn’t mean you don’t challenge me or make me think; or that you don’t hold me accountable for my behavior.  But you love me, you accept me, and you don’t ask me to be anything other than what I am. For that I am profoundly grateful.  There have been others who couldn’t tolerate someone who questioned them or had different beliefs;  someone who didn’t blindly obey them.   You welcomed those qualities.  I saw you watching me with affectionate pride when I made a good argument, played a good game of cribbage, passionately stood up for something I believed in.  

A handful of you have had my back all these years.  Intelligent, creative, strong men; all with an incredible sense of humor and a certain insightful empathy.  You are the circle I draw strength from,  and I hope I give sustenance and strength to you as well.  

I know I test your patience and your will at times.  I have been called a "formidable force" (among many other names) for a reason.  I know I ask you to step outside your comfort zone, to share some of the deepest parts of yourselves with me.  I sometimes ask questions that have no easy answers, or rage against injustices that are larger than I am.   Your calm centers me.  Your counsel gives me direction without attempting to control me.  Your comfort during some of the most difficult times of my life has given me great peace.

I will never be an easy woman.  I will always search, agonize, and challenge. I will push the limits of what I understand, what I value, what I believe in, what I will fight for.  I'm grateful and eternally blessed to be making that journey with all of you.  I am a much better version of myself than I might have been, if I had not had each of you in my life.   Thank you. 

"Where the Tree Falls, the Forest Rises"; Available Now!

An essay of mine, entitled "Orchid" is included in this anthology, "Where the Tree Falls, the Forest Rises", compiled by Charlene Elderkin.  This essay is particularly important to me because it is about my dear friend Michelle, who died suddenly almost five years ago.  Michelle was a vibrant and dynamic woman with a brilliant mind and an enormous heart.  She was my dearest friend for nearly twenty years, and is in my mind and my heart every day. I hope she would be pleased to be a part of this anthology, and to know that her story might bring comfort to others who have also suffered a loss. 

Where the Tree Falls, the Forest Rises: Stories of Death and Renewal

www.amazon.com

For Charlene Elderkin, compiling thirty original, first-person essays from twenty-nine different authors brings the kind of solace and breadth of understanding she longed for when facing her own mother’s end-of-life journey at the hands of chronic lymphocytic leukemia. Now her experience t...

Welcome to my blog

A friend of mine encouraged me to start a blog, which I have never done before. So this is my first attempt at writing openly about my life, my writing, and my thoughts on various topics of interest.  My blog is called "No Kneepads" because my intention is to be very open and direct about the things I write about.  Some topics will be things I have never written about before; some may be very controversial or delicate topics.  I certainly won't try to offend anyone, but I expect that some topics may stir a range of feelings and responses from people.  The views expressed are mine only, based on my life experiences, thoughts, and opinions.

I don't know if many blogs have dedications, but I'd like to start mine with a dedication to three of the most influential people in my life.  All three currently reside in the afterlife, but remain sources of strength and inspiration to me.  So here goes- This blog is dedicated to my dearest friend, Michelle, a beautiful and brilliant woman with an incisive wit;  to my dear friend Pete, whose massive intellect was matched only by the depth of his character; and to my grandmother Florine, whose love lit up the world of everyone around her.  All three of these people loved and accepted me for who I was, and I am eternally grateful for their affection and support.

February 10, 2013

I wrote this piece shortly before the 2012 Presidential Election, and posted it on Facebook. 

From Much Love to No Love

This past election year has brought me some new insights and some deep disappointments. I have always leaned left, and many people on this page who remember me from high school or college can attest to that. If nothing else, I am consistent. I speak up for the groups that I feel are not treated with respect and dignity in a society that too often values only wealth and social status.  I have marched in many a demonstration and have written countless letters to the editor, as well as publishing my writing (and in several cases over the last year or two, having my writing actually published by someone else- YEAH....)  on social justice issues,  mental health issues, grief, domestic violence.... all topics that while not “light and fluffy” are things that are very real in our society. 

I have a number of republican relatives and friends.  Most come from the old school republicans, not the current more extreme mutation. The real fiscal conservatives who actually also cared about what specific behaviors their candidates engaged in.  Those relatives and friends and I made arrangements in our relationships to either not discuss politics at all, or to agree to disagree.  Some affectionately considered me misguided and overly optimistic, but they respected my passion, and the fact that my actions matched my professed beliefs.  They admired my interest in women’s and children’s issues, even if they did not agree with my interpretation of how societal problems in those areas could be solved.  They had respect for me as a person, as a mother, as a human being out in the workforce doing difficult and often thankless work.   I’m thankful to those friends and relatives for above all valuing me as a person, and valuing our connection as family.   The relationships we had between us always came first, above and beyond any disagreements of specific opinions.

Last March I lost my grandmother, Florine.  She was the best human being that ever lived,  and I will miss her every day for the rest of my life.  At her funeral I was able to connect with some extended family from out of state.  I thought how fortunate, there are still those of us who knew her and cherished her, who can keep in touch.  And I did that. I kept in regular contact with some of those folks, sent them pictures of my kids, talked about our common interests and our lives.  Have many emails on my computer ending in “much love, your cousin” so and so.  

Then the election season came along, and since I lean left, I had a number of pro-Obama Facebook wall posts on my page.  I didn’t think too much of this. I had seen wall posts for the opposition on other relative’s pages.  Everyone has a right to post what they like on their own Facebook page, as long as it meets the Facebook guidelines and is not hate speech.  Keep in mind that I post many other things on my wall as well- I try to keep a variety out there. Some funny things, some cute things, some pictures of my kids  or activities, some profound quotes from people like Martin Luther King or John Lennon. And some political posts.   Suddenly I am unfriended from my extended relatives’ page,  and the recipient of several cryptic and caustic emails.   I apologize for their concerns, which are basically that my views are not in lock step with theirs.  I make a point of stating that I believe family connections come before differences of opinion.  One of those relatives has not spoken to me since.

This was a very unexpected result, as I considered this person to be reasonable and intelligent, and while I had done nothing wrong by posting my opinions on my own page, I had apologized for any misunderstandings and tried to make amends. Nothing.  I was fairly devastated by this, especially so soon after losing our mutual relative, my grandmother.  I made numerous attempts to make amends, but never received a reply.  This experience has made it very clear to me that the rhetoric out there this time can be very extreme, and that reason and family connections seem to matter very little to those that get caught up in that rhetoric.  The rigidity of expecting anyone to have the exact same beliefs as oneself all the time- that’s just not realistic.  And it shows a real lack of respect for diversity of thought, an intolerance for anything that doesn’t fall in to the party line.  I find it interesting that even though my own beliefs are very important to me, I was the one willing to extend the olive branch multiple times, to no avail- and that relative did not.  Maybe the left has a little less rigidity in it, an ability to see the whole person, and not discard those who don’t fall into the right political or ideological category.  Maybe the old guard of the right actually remembered the value of family while the new guard is loyal only to those who are Stepford relatives of themselves. I don’t know the whole answer, but I do know it has made me far less likely to seek out extended family right now, or to invest time and energy into those who can’t accept me for myself.  It has also made me far more leery of a political mutation that is so rigid, so unable to include huge groups of people who are not “exactly like them”,  that I hear a silent Sieg Heil every time I see their negative propaganda, or hear their speeches full of half truths (or no truth at all) on TV.   

My cautionary advice to the rest of you is be careful who you invest your time in. If they can’t value you as a whole person,  it may not be a very productive relationship.  And thank you to the many relatives and friends I have who have identified as more conservative than I am, but have welcomed me with open arms and continue to have my back. You are all an invaluable support.